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Velo Quips

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Daylight Savings Revelations November 9, 2014

Introducing LetsRide.co October 1, 2014

A Look at the Relationship between Age and Performance in the Pro Peloton November 25, 2013

The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Done October 20, 2013

Can You Imagine? October 14, 2013

was posting this to Facebook:

With a plethora of likes and comments, I now truly know how it feels to be on top of comedy. I’ll go down in history alongside the likes of Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K., and, somewhat confusingly, Joseph Smith.

The first thing I did when this post got popular was head to the nearest branch of PNC Bank to cash out my internet points. When the teller gave me a quizzical look, I pulled out my super duper smart phone and showed her all the likes I got, exclaiming “I’m rich!”

“Sir, do you realize that your internet vanity doesn’t have any monetary significance?” queried the teller. “W-w-w-what?!?!?!” I stammered.

My world had turned upside down. Even doing the “L” trick with my hands, I still couldn’t tell left from right. Further, I couldn’t even tell right from wrong. Perhaps Star Magazine was right when they said “KIM GOT PREGNANT FOR $22 MILLION!” Wouldn’t that be a travesty?

In any event, I knew I needed to get out – and fast. Fast, like a atheist at a theological conference. Fast, like that woman in the “Want to Get Away?” airline commercial. Fast, like a tourist lost in west Baltimore.

I pointed at the window and shouted, “Look, snow!” The entire bank staff fell for the ruse and by the time they could say “you asshole,” I was out the door and retrieving my escape vehicle, the Cannondale CAAD9-5. I set a blistering pace out of the parking lot, traveling at speeds upwards of 25 mph.

By the time I got back to my apartment I was terribly parched. I was so thirsty that I drank from the tap instead of taking the time to replace the filter on my Brita. What a poor decision that was. Immediately I was filled with a burning feeling – and not the good kind, you know, like when you find love with your childhood friend, get married and then have it annulled 55 hours later because you didn’t realize she was actually crazy. [Source] I mean, come on, did you guys even talk about this? We’re talking about the sanctity of marriage here, people. It’s that thing that everyone complains about at work. Speaking of work, if it takes work to fuel a marriage, doesn’t that mean you’re working all the time? I hate working. Sometimes, when I’m really bored, I’ll print out pages upon pages that simply have “WORK” written on them. Then I’ll go to the firepit and burn them, dancing around the fire and chanting “man, man, I’m sticking it to you, man.”

Wait, what was I talking about?

Can you imagine. . .

. . . a world without Freds? If it weren’t for people who go out for training rides on tt bikes and disc wheels, I don’t know who I would make fun of.

. . . a group ride without Strava? The tactics would be so much different if it was a race to the state line rather than a race to the top of the hill.

. . . a cycling industry without carbon fiber? Aluminum, titanium, and steel can only be engineered in certain configurations; would it be possible for the industry to create a “need” for metal bikes with huge price tags?

. . . a bike race without torpedo helmets? Pretty soon you won’t be able to as the torpedo helmet is quickly surpassing the Air Attack in reference to both cutting edge design and extreme dork-itude (so expect to see them in full blossom next spring).

Are you frustrated with racing? Well I am. Over the course of the season, I’ve noticed a steady decline in name-calling, crashes, and general irritation in the peloton.

AND THIS ISN’T WHAT CYCLING IS ABOUT. Competitive cycling is about those two guys getting in a fight over some shenanigans that went down in their sprint for 18th place. Competitive cycling is about that burly Navy racer sitting up and removing his gloves 2 miles from the finish, almost taking down half the peloton in the process, all in the name of improving his chances to *maybe* finish in the top 10.

Let’s restore competitive cycling to its roots by implementing these seven annoying techniques:

Snack on awkwardly messy stuff – Crunching on a big bag of Chex Mix before a race is sure to piss off your fieldmates. Taking your hands off your bars during the last leg of an ascent to wipe some Cheesy Gordito Crunch off your face will make them go bananas.

Sarcastically comment on other racers’ equipment – Ask the guy with the Air Attack how his spacewalk went.

Do zero work on the flats – I’ve heard sitting in is very pro.

Attack in the feed zone – Because you are a self-sufficient cyclist and/or nobody loves you, crush the field when their guard is lowest… in the feed zone. They deserve to feel your pain.

Don’t point out hazards or turns – Hey, its a race, isn’t it? You snooze, you lose . . . And crash and break your collarbone .

Sing the songs you like to sing – Whistle, hum and sing along to your favorite song. Double points for “Call Me Maybe” or “I Love It.”

Race in these :

In yesterday’s Stage 4, Chris Horner lost 6 seconds and the overall lead to Vincenzo Nibali. The excuse? He got “caught out.” This is a VQ favorite excuse, and it goes hand and hand with “I couldn’t move up.”

I got trapped on one side, I could see the acceleration going on the other. It wasn’t bad luck, you know it’s going to happen, there’s nothing you can do and if you get caught out….that was the way the race went. Source: Cyclingnews

Source: Cyclingnews

Pro Tip: Don’t be 30 riders back coming into the last kilometer if you’re the Grand Tour leader on a hilltop finish. Big shoutout to Dominic Nerz (BMC) et al for dropping the wheel that caused the time split.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-JvFBwTrOE]

Henao finished way off the back on Stage 2’s mountain finish due to the “hunger knock” despite being the declared leader for Team Sky. And thank goodness, because if I had to watch another Grand Tour featuring the leader incessantly looking down at power numbers, I would probably just SCREAM.

You’re probably asking what “hunger knock” actually is. According to Wikipedia ,

In endurance sports such as cycling and running, hitting the wall or the bonk describes a condition caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the liver and muscles, which manifests itself by sudden fatigue and loss of energy. . . The British may refer to it as “hunger knock.”

Said Team Sky’s “performance manager” Rod Ellingworth:

He simply forgot to eat enough and that was that. Source: Cyclingnews

He simply forgot to eat enough and that was that.

The problem with the bonking excuse is that EVERYONE knows better, from your weekend warrior to your most fearsome powerdad.

Before the run up to the final climb a podium contender has 4 tasks:

Don’t crash

Don’t get dropped

Hydrate

Eat

Four Things . That’s it. It seems straightforward but every race we see some rider going OTB because of poor fueling during the race.

Stay tuned over the next couple weeks as the terrain gets hillier and the excuses get more frequent and creative.

This past weekend was the dual Virginia/MABRA road race championships out near Luray, Virginia. Finishing 3rd in the Cat 3 race, Steven Francisco took the MABRA championship as Evan Lang took the Virginia championship and Sam Winters was also in the Virginia conference. Steven stopped by the Velo Quips studios for a brief interview.

Velo Quips: So do you prefer ‘Steven’ or ‘Steve?’

Steven Francisco: Actually I prefer to be called by my proper title, ‘MABRA Road Race Champion.’

VQ: Uh, okay. . .Well tell us about how the race went down.

SF: Well, you see, I made the calculation with about torty kilometers left to race and decided to really put it all out there.

VQ: That doesn’t explain anything.

SF: Welcome to watching cycling on Eurosport.

VQ: Ummm. . .So, what factor do you most attribute to your 3rd place finish to?

SF: Well, first of all, I didn’t finish in 3rd place. I won. “Champion” means THE BEST. So I’m obviously the best in this region.

VQ: Well, just look at the results, you DID finish 3rd place. Not to mention there are hundreds of Cat 1 and Cat 2 riders in the area that will ride you into the pavement without breaking a sweat.

SF: Let’s just agree to disagree.

VQ: My mother always told me discretion is the better part of valor. So I don’t need to win this battle.

SF: That’s funny, my mom said something similar.

VQ: Let’s move on. Who is your favorite cyclist?

SF: Lance Armstrong

VQ: Even though he doped?

SF: Especially because he doped.

VQ: Well this has gone out of control. Final question: Any advice for prospective racers?

SF: Before you go out and do a race, buy a bike worth at least $3,000, throw a power meter on there, hire a coach and ignore everything they tell you.

VQ: I’d thank you for your time, but something in my conscience just cannot let me do that.

While watching one of the races at Grant’s Tomb Criterium this past March, I spotted an overweight guy wearing the Sky World Champion’s jersey. Much like the time I made fun of a guy in an FDJ kit , I made some crack about Cavendish going on a Bradley Wiggins-style bender. But all jokes aside, wearing pro team kits is a very grave offense, punishable by disassociation. But Freds don’t care because they don’t like us anyway.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/8b2IvgpgNk8]

Want to guess how many people did Battenkill last year? 1,000? Nope. 2,000? Nope. Try nearly 3,000. That includes 14 fields of Cat 5 racers, or some 700 racers, many of whom would go on to not do another race this season. Battenkill has become something of a “rite of passage” in the minds of many cyclists and this is enough to bring out even the most Fredly of Freds.

In my opinion, there’s nothing that more perfectly describes “Fred” than showing up to a hammerfest with TT bars. It perfectly encapsulates the idea of “not getting it.” I once showed up to a ride where half the crowd were using time trial bars. How I got through that day without dying was nothing short of miraculous.

The thing about Freds is that they have competitive sides, too. They don’t quite fit the bill as weekend warrior because in many instances, they are quite strong. But because they don’t race (besides Battenkill), they have to have an outlet for that competitiveness elsewhere. And that’s where charity rides come in. “I paid $50, so I’m going to drop all of you in the name of cancer!”

Gran Fondos, however, are quickly replacing charity rides as the haven for Freds. It’s sort of a race in the sense that you’re timed on certain segments (usually hills). In reality, it’s just a big group ride that costs money because Freds are going to sprint to the top of every hill anyway .

While training this past weekend, there was a man on a TT bike with an aero helmet ahead of me (unfortunately no rear disc). I blitzed by him as he was puttering along at 16-17 mph. There is a time and a place for aero helmets on people who can’t sustain 20 mph on flats and that’s never and nowhere .

And that folks, is how to be a Fred.

Getting dropped is a part of life, from when we were infants (despite our parents’ professions otherwise) to the race course. It is typically embarrassing, more so when you’re only 10 laps into a downtown criterium as the people watching you give you the dreaded “pity clap” (the thing you do with your hands, not the sexually transmitted infection). Now, what if I told you that I have a product where you could lose weight without trying there is a method you can implement to not only destroy the shame surrounding your presence off the back but that would allow you to do it IN STYLE?

Well it’s your lucky day! Here are a few ways you can get dropped with grace!

If it looks like you’re struggling, you’re probably struggling, but if it seems like you are barely working, then people will tend to think that getting dropped was your choice.

This is the oldest trick in the book, one that some professional riders employ to take advantage of the three kilometer rule . All you have to do is pretend like something’s wrong with your bike and off the back you go with no one the wiser! You can make a hissing noise to simulate a flat tire, intentionally drop your chain, or simply mutter something like “brakes rubbing.”

Let them know that you’re just here for the publicity and you really weren’t “trying” anyway.

Against popular conception, it isn’t what you end up doing IN the race that determines how you’re seen in the eyes of your competitors, it’s what you SAY you did in the race. If you finished off the back, simply drop in one of our tested excuses and save your pride.

When I posted the 7 best reasons you were dropped a month and a half ago, I had no idea how much an impact that post would have on my life. At every race, suddenly I was hearing so many excuses and I realized how big of a struggle it was for me not to use similar excuses about my race performance. I hadn’t realized how creative people could be when tasked with justifying a poor result.

The fact of the matter is 90% of the racers are not going to finish in the top 10%. And if you don’t finish in the top 10%, well, something just didn’t work out for you. And so if you’re in that bottom 90%, here’s four more excuses you can use to save your pride:

I was watching the later races at the ACCC’s Navy Road Race and as the C field came around from their first lap up the finishing climb, I saw a certain heavyset rider laboring at the back of the group. While he seemed to keep in touch with the group over the climb, as they went by after their second lap, he was conspicuously absent. Several minutes later I see him walking his bike up the climb. As he passes me and approaches his teammates, I overhead him say, “it was my seasonal allergies.”

Andrew and I were waiting for the start of the Deep Blue group ride a few weeks ago when we heard another gem. One of the riders was talking to one of his buddies about the past weekend’s race. He said that he was never going to do well in that race because, and I quote, “my fever broke the night before and I didn’t get any sleep.” Andrew and I slowly look at each other with smirks on our faces and Andrew whispers, “always keep your ears open.”

I got this one from one of my friends in the Cat 3 peloton who occasionally peruses this blog. We were lining up for the Salisbury 2/3 race when he said, “I don’t really expect too much, I just started training a week ago.” He was actually not the first person that said something similar. I overheard a Newark native mention that he hadn’t done a road race in a year and also wasn’t expecting anything great.

Last week’s Deep Blue hammerfest left the entire UD squad, except for Eran, off the back. I used the old line “I almost caught up but then I had to stop at a stop sign,” while Andrew, on a teammate’s Jamis (thanks to a broken Cervélo frame), joked that “it was my first ride on a standard crankset.”

Collectively, we at VQ have heard enough top notch excuses that these Reasons posts are going to be a regular thing around here. As always we’d love your contributions and comments!

Everyone has been dropped at some point in their cycling career (unless you’re a time trialist that trains exclusively by themselves, in which case you aren’t really a cyclist). Getting dropped is no fun, especially when there are a bunch of spectators at the race giving you pity claps/cheers. By the end of the race, your pride is a critically low levels.

Fortunately, there is an opportunity to save your pride! All you have to do is implement one of the following “reasons” so your cycling friends will nod sympathetically and your non-cycling friends will still hold you in high esteem and be none the wiser.

1. Someone crashed in front of you

This classic line that employes the time-honored tactic of passing off the blame to someone else.

2. Dropped chain

Ah drat! The dastardly devious chain! This excuse is prevalent across all levels of cycling, even as far up as being a factor in the winner of the 2010 Tour de France .

3. Cramps

Another classic. Better still, no one can tell if you’re lying!

4. Flat tire

“Yeah man, I flatted out. Shit luck.” Fortunately, flat tires can easily be faked and, according to Sean Kelly, many professional riders will let the air out of their tires if they’re dropped in the last 3 kms (to take advantage of the 3 km rule ).

5. Somebody ahead of you dropped the wheel

Like #1, this classic line transfers the blame to someone else (but doesn’t explain what you were doing behind the flagging rider in the first place).

6. Sick/On Antibiotics

“Yeah man, I’m not racing today because I have mono, bronchitis, and the flu” – overheard at the 2012 Steven’s circuit race.

Feeling under the weather? No need to feel the pressure of finishing in the main peloton as you already have an ace in the hole!

7. “Mechanical”

Can’t think of a good reason why you got dropped? Just say you had a “mechanical” and racers of all ability levels will nod their heads knowingly.

What’s the best excuse you’ve heard (or used) for getting dropped? No judgements here!

Scanning the crowd of a typical cycling event we observe the multitude of dudes: with their guns freshly shorn and polished, their tanlines perfectly cultivated. They are ready to administer their enormous FTPs onto the race course. If we focus intently, we may be able to find a single female amongst the crowd – and even then, once we push through the masses to a distance near enough to converse with her, her treats from afar may be revealed to be afar from a treat. Once in a fortnight, however, a beautiful specimen will emerge from the mists, like the breath of a phoenix, playing from its ashes.

Thus we are faced with the impossible task of engaging one of these disinterested maidens, who not only has her pick of the litter of fabulously shaved, fit and handsome men, but also probably doesn’t want to talk to you, at all. But fear not, for we at VQ have unlocked the secrets to completing such a challenge. We now follow our brave hero, through this most daunting of tasks:

1. Relax and meditate on the insurmountable task at hand

2. Once you have mustered the courage, make your approach, “guns a-blazin” style

3. Fear not the fittest

4. GTFO

We would like to thank our teammate, Frank Lao, for having the courage to display such courage. And to the women of the ECCC for putting up with his nonsense.

Category: Humor