Like many Americans last night, I spent the better part of 5 hours behind a television screen, watching The Super Bowl (an official presentation by the National Football League). We had a social gathering at my house for the game but I spent most of my time discussing cycling and lamenting the NFL’s lax PED policy with my cycling friends, occasionally pausing to cry out (or groan), in the fashion of the majority of sports fans worldwide, as a pass was completed (or dropped).

The highlight of my night was surely the 40 minute stadium blackout. This isn’t to say that I preferred the blackout to watching the game (on the contrary), but rather it was amusing to see the reactions of the players, coaches, and sideline reporters who had to really reach deep into their suitcase of courage to find ways to bullshit their way through the 40 minutes of inaction. They employed all a manner of techniques; on-field stretching, screaming at NFL officials (one of the Harbaugh brothers, does it really matter which one?), or speaking to millions of people worldwide pretending to know the status of the power situation.

Anyway, when this whole ordeal was over and the game concluded, I retired to my room to shove the slew of advertisements from the recesses of my brain. And that’s when I realized that TV is the devil and I should never watch it again! So here are some ways you and I can never watch television again:

1. Throw your Wii controller into the TV

You can pretend like it’s an accident, just like in all those viral videos!

2. Call your cable company demanding that they pay you for use of their service

But first ask if Mike Rotch is around.

3. Invent a time machine and go back to the 1800′s

Destroy the time machine when you get there.

4. Pull an “Oedipus”

You can’t watch TV without functioning eyes!

5. Cut all the cable lines in the country

Free the masses from the chains of television!

6. Get on Ray Lewis’ (alleged) bad side

Beware: this method lacks conviction.